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2017 Summary Part 1

AKA the hardest, most emotional year of my 24 years. When I envisioned the end of this year, I would have never guessed I would be where I am now. Lately I’ve caught myself laughing and saying, “thank God it’s almost over!” Sometimes I feel as if I am actually willing this year to finish faster. I replay the rough moments in my head not as a way to torture myself but as a way to reflect on what I am most proud of: that not only did I make it to the end of this year, but that my heart is intact and my spirit is alive. I am once again so cheerily hopeful about the future.

If you know me or have read some of my posts before then you know this is a big deal to me. I spent the first half of the year fighting to keep alive something that had no chance of recovery. The other chunk of time I spent in denial, feeding this toxicity as if an addiction. Then some other stuff happened like having to move out of my house and then breaking my wrist. Point is, emotionally this year was challenging. Mentally…it was devastating. Well, almost devastating. Because what I am trying to explain is that yes, this has been the hardest year of my life, but 1) I survived it and 2) in reality, a breakup (although as serious as thinking it was the “one”), being kicked out, and breaking a bone were my 2017 hardships. And I am lucky to say that. So if I’m being truthful, yes, this year sucked, but no, it wasn’t nearly as hard in retrospect as I truly thought it was while going through these things. At the time, everything was compromised: my body, my spirit, my health. So I have to ask myself: am I healthy right now as I type this? Yes. Am I whole right now as I type this? Yes. And am I constantly healing, even now as I type this? You’re darn sure I am.

So in a nutshell, it took me 12 months and a few days to finally realize and accept that not only did I survive this year, but I flourished. I am flourishing. I am stronger than ever before and that means all the crummy times in 2017 were somehow…worth it. So worth it.

So what have I learned this year? Well here are just a few things:

1) Date someone kind. Someone who remains kind over time. Someone with a kind heart. When they are no longer kind, leave. You deserve someone kind.

2) Never underestimate how important a good friend, a kickass, empowering movie, and venting are for the soul. (when I told Analeise about everything she took me to see Wonder Woman and it was the best thing for me)

3) As much as relationships are incredible, don’t lose yourself in them. Those goals you want to attain need to come first or you will always think, “what if?” The right person will help build you up and help you reach those goals. They need to be your number one fan, too.

4) When all else fails, get some perspective. For me it was snorkeling with manta rays in Tulum and hiking up mountains in Peru. You will see there is a world outside of heartache.

5) A support system will help move mountains. Trust in the process, trust in the Universe and that it knows what It’s doing, and trust in those around you. Don’t lose that trust that makes you kind.

6) Cry and scream if you need to, but never ever ever lose your faith, whatever it may be. This is all happening for a reason. (I truly believe this)

7) Move on when it’s time. Forgive, not for them, but for yourself, because you need it. Because it is what’s right.

8) One day, without even realizing it, you will be free again.

And you will care for someone again. And they will be kind. And you will once again be kind.

What I consider a really hell-ish year was made so much better because of people like my parents and sisters, Analeise, Edmar, Charlie, Kris, Laura, Sarah, Bubba, Brianda and everyone who let me vent, traveled with me, or just cheered my well-being on.

Like I said, a support system will move mountains and in 2017 it helped me move on from my biggest one.

Until next time, friends

(Which will be a lot happier of a post because it’s about my 2017 travels! Yay)

-Mary Anna

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I’m going to talk about Love.

Which is something both very personal to me and something I joke about often. It is not uncommon for me to claim that I’m forever meant to be with that guy sitting across the Starbucks that looked at me that one time. It’s also something that I struggle to get the words out about. Normally they go hidden on my tumblr where not many eyes will discover them. Here are three types of love that may just be relevant to your life (and maybe mine). I’ll begin:

1. The love that hurts. I think, for the most part, we may all feel this at one point. It can be the love where you just for some reason fight all the time. It can be the love where you feel you put in more than they do. It can be the one that makes you learn to question all these things about you that you never once questioned before. It all sounds so heart-wrenching, but it’s also the love that makes you feel so God damn alive, too. Special, at times. Strong. Even beautiful. Because how can someone that looks like that be interested in someone like me?

Boy, if I could go back and slap myself now. I’d give myself the reality slap that I needed: how could he not be interested in you? (Because that’s the way you should view yourself, come on now). Anyway, the kind of love wherd you learn a lot: about love, about relationships, about what you want in relationships, but most importantly, about what you don’t want. Still, even a couple years later it might still sting a little. To that I have to say, keep living. You can’t dwell on it (maybe they did really feel the same and maybe they didn’t know how to feel that way at the time), you can only grow from it. Don’t be afraid to love again.

2. The love that makes up for every previous love; the love that is momentarily unreal; the love that hurts in its own way, too.

You have the love that books, movies, real life experiences tell us about. The ones where it just works. Sure you may argue a little, you may disagree from time to time, but it just works. You’re happy. You’re strong- you let yourself love and you allowed someone to love you! All I can say really about this is that it works. You do the things you really enjoy doing, together (hello, movie watching and goat cheese pizza), you become a little family while away from your actual one (medicine and Kellogs cereal, please), you may even think this is it. 

And you know, it may be. Hold onto that. And it may not be, you’ll be okay, too. This kind of love can hurt badly, too.The world may not want you to be together. The stars may not align. It might just not work enough. I don’t know. But after, if it doesn’t work out, you will still feel the wonders of what you were so lucky to experience. You may know what I mean; you may be reflecting on them now. Remind yourself of how strong you are. Keep moving forward if you think you need to. Don’t be afraid to love again.

3. The love that has not happened yet. The love you know exists. Even, the love that hurts in the most beautiful way. This is mainly the reason I joke about that loving that guy that I was sitting next to at Wells Fargo today with the most remarkable face (I’m sure he was a nice person, too). I am so God damn hopeful. Sometimes I think it’s silly. But then I think, there is no reason why I should be afraid or embarassed to care for someone. I would rather wear every emotion on my sleeve than not be able to feel anything at all. But the point is, you may be hesitant to just care about someone in that way again, but I’m here to say that you are already so brave so take the chance. And keep taking chances. The love that has not happened yet is going to be more than worth it. Just hold on to that hope and don’t be afraid to love again. Besides, having a crush on someone is just so much fun. Even when you’re as big of a goober as I am/was today in front of them.

So, that’s basically all I have to say. And of course, none of this is based off of real world experiences. Stay strong and stay brave, my friends.

X Mary Anna

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